So, if you’ll remember way back at the start of the year I had a resolution to lose 10 lbs. And then I lost almost all of it and decided to up the ante and lose another five pounds. Well I did it. I lost the whole 15 lbs. Cool right? Sure.

Before we talk about it, let’s do a little before and after shall we. Because that’s not at all embarrassing.

Before (Amy’s shots of me at Eleanor’s birthday in December):

After (headshots Amy took of me for my photo site a few weeks ago):

Pretty big difference, right?  And I should be super happy and proud of myself for putting in the work it took to get here, and I mostly am, but I have to say I’m not really thrilled about how I look and it’s really annoying me lately.

People who know me, would say that I’m a pretty confident person. People who know me really well might even say that I might be a little too confident. I’m definitely not an insecure person.

As far as body image goes I’ve always been pretty happy with how I looked. Even at my heaviest, 60 lbs overweight, I still thought I looked good and didn’t really think too much about it.  That was right before I got pregnant with Eleanor. Yup, before. At that time I wanted to lose weight because I was much heavier than all of my friends and even though I didn’t really think I looked bad, I knew it wasn’t healthy for me to be at that weight.

After having Eleanor I started losing weight. I had only gained about 3 lbs during the pregnancy (lost 10 from morning sickness, only gained back 13). So when I got home from the hospital I weighed about 10 pounds less than when I got pregnant. And then breastfeeding burnt about a bajillion calories so I was losing weight pretty quickly. I started noticing a difference in how I looked and I liked it. I lost about 20 more pounds over the next year. Once I stopped nursing my weight pretty much stayed the same, I didn’t gain, I didn’t lose. And it was like that for almost a year, and then I decided that I wanted to lose a little more so at the start of the year I made this resolution.  And for once I kept it.

I’ve now lost about 15 lbs, gained a lot of muscle, and dropped about two dress sizes. And I’m thrilled about the size I am, but not so much about how I look. I actually feel a little more embarrassed about wearing a bikini in public than I did last summer when I was 15 lbs heavier. Right now I weigh what I’ve found on numerous charts to be the ideal weight for my height, but I have to say I’m not feeling ideal.

I think I’m just stuck in this Catch 22 where when I pay attention to what I weigh, watch what I eat and work hard to lose weight and be healthier, I notice that my body isn’t quite where I’d like it to be. All of the work I put in hasn’t given me the results I want. And I find that incredibly depressing. But when I don’t pay attention to my weight or what I’m eating or how much I’m exercising, then I slowly start gaining weight, but I also don’t feel bad about my weight.

So what’s better thin, unsatisfied, yet healthy, or fat, happy, but unhealthy?

You tell me people, because I just can’t decide.

But what I have decided is that I’m going to try lose another 10 pounds by Thanksgiving. That’s 10 lbs in 12 weeks. Completely doable. Hell, maybe I’ll finally be satisfied when I get closer to my high school weight (I’m still 17 lbs away). Maybe…