Author Archives: Josh

Walk Your Baby

Posted by: Josh

You don’t buy a puppy dog if you don’t have time to walk it, and the same goes for puppy people. That’s right. Don’t buy a baby if you don’t have time to walk it.

We pay some local people puppy sitters (i.e. preschool) to run our girl around during the week, but come week’s end, its all on us. And because Maggie is rarely sober enough to find the front door on the weekend (KIDDING! She gets it like 70% of the time), it generally falls on me to take Eleanor for some exercise.

While sometimes we hit the pool, the majority of our outdoors time happens at the park. She’s definitely an “active” girl, in the same way rabid squirrels are “active,” so as soon as I set her down she’s off! and I spend most of my time plodding along after her as she bolts across impossibly long grass fields or hovering underneath her with my arms outstretched to catch her as she scales play structures designed for kids twice her size. This can be sweaty, exhausting work, but usually Eleanor brings enough comedy to make it entertaining (i.e. slightly less agonizing).

Eleanor is an awfully friendly person. She says “Hi!” to literally everyone we walk past, which is hilarious, because a lot of grown people are freaked out by little kids accosting them. It’s the same reaction you would see if a smiley cat had shouted “Hello!”. Their heads snap up and their eyes get a little big, and they keep walking but start watching her as they move past, until their heads are almost turned around, and maybe then after they’ve walked about ten feet past us they’ll mumble a “Hello”. That, or they completely ignore her, which I can sympathize with because who is this tiny person yelling at me? but also makes me want to punch them in the back of their stupid heads because HEY! ADORABLE GIRL TALKING HERE! YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY, A-HOLE! And then sometimes I do it, and we have to run really fast, fast as a leopard, pump those little legs! So at the park, she runs up to all the other kids and gets right in their faces and gives them the smiling how-do-you-do, and sometimes the kids are as weirded out as the adults are and back away slowly or even turn and run crying, or, and this is the best, they are totally INTO IT and then they grab her hand and are BFFs for the next three minutes.

Eleanor has a serious baby fetish, so if there is a baby at the park, she will seek it out like some sort of baby dowsing rod. This always means that I have to talk to the parents, which is FUN, but almost worth it for the ridiculous grin on Eleanor’s face when she’s locked a baby in her sights and starts talking to it: “Hiii baby!” (baby stares dumbfounded at Eleanor). “He’s a baby” she’ll tell me. “He need his bottle. He need to take a nap. He’s tired.” The parents are of course always grateful for these astute observations.

So she runs and plays, scampers and capers, while I stand by and sweat and squint a lot. She loves it, and I love to see her love it, so in the end I don’t mind it that much. Plus, the more time at the park, the better the nap slash bedtime, so folks, it pays to walk your baby.











At the park this past weekend, where most of these shots were taken, Eleanor befriended this girl who was practicing her kung fu moves. Actually she looked like she was maybe doing some Power Ranger kinda stuff, since once upon a time I was a suburban child in karate and did not recognize her elaborate leaping fireballs. So of course Eleanor is intrigued by the intense maneuvers and the girl notices her, and asks her, “Do you want me to give you a lesson?” Eleanor nods yes. The girl then closes her eyes and starts breathing heavily through her nose (obviously about to bust some serious moves) and Eleanor runs down the hill. This happens twice more, and as Eleanor is running off again, the girl walks up to me and says, “Can I ask you a question?” I nod yes. “She doesn’t like to listen, does she?”

Summer at the Pool

Posted by: Josh

Well the fall is almost here, and you know what that means. Only two more months of going to the pool! Choke on that, East Coast! We’ve got a nice pool at our complex, and every weekend Eleanor very politely demands that we go there immediately following breakfast. Maggie has usually gone to exercise, so me and the girl suit up and roll to the pool. Since it’s only 10 a.m., and all of the lousy bums who live around us are sleeping one off or praying, we tend to get the pool all to ourselves. Well, there is this one guy named George who is usually drinking a beer in the spa, but he mostly keeps to himself.

Our outings primarily consist of me chasing Eleanor around the entire perimeter of the pool, and the spa, and the barbecue, and the soda machines (which she peers into and says “Baby Bear?” because for some reason the soda machines are caves in which Baby Bear probably lives), and the gazebo. Only lately has she shown much interest in actually getting INTO the water, and even that doesn’t last more than a few minutes. No, going to the pool is more about being seen, and the scene.

Since I’m training to eventually be Maggie’s second shooter (I just rounded the corner on sixth shooter and have move into fifth shooter status, woo!), here are some mediocre shots of us enjoying the summer. Actually it’s just Eleanor, since she has yet to show any interest in taking pictures of me. Also because nobody should be taking pictures of me without a shirt for the same reason you don’t take pictures of the sun. Nobody wins.

The Pool 1
The Pool 2
The Pool 3
The Pool 4
The Pool 5
The Pool 6
The Pool 7
The Pool 8
The Pool 9
The Pool 10
The Pool 11
The Pool 12
The Pool 13

Leaving the pool last weekend, Eleanor says, “I want some gummies.”
“Gummies? Where did you eat gummies?” I asked. I don’t think we’ve ever given her gummi bears.
“I eat them at school!”
“Really? Who gave you gummies at school?” I asked.
“Nobody. …Nevermind.”

Seriously. That’s what my two-and-a-half year old said. “Nobody. Nevermind.”

Family Movie Night: Fat Panda Edition

Posted by: Josh

HAHA! So even though I built this damn website I apparently don’t know how to use it and accidentally PUBLISHED this post well before it was done baking. So if you saw this post in your feed reader before TODAY then just DISREGARD, and enjoy the real deal. With links!

I don’t know where it came from or why, but we recently instituted Family Movie Night. It’s now an institution, bearing all the privileges and exclusions therein granted, by ME, and also my family, who shall remain nameless at this time (Maggie & Eleanor) okay fine I named them. I guess you could say it started with the movie in the park a couple weeks ago, if you wanted to say that. I haven’t decided. But since then, we’ve fallen in love, and now we need about 52 movies a year to properly fund the venture (of love). And it’s an institution. Got it?

The first official Family Movie Night offering was Kung Fu Panda. Which was originally Netflix’d by this guy, being ME, for myself, but deemed appropriate for the family by this guy, MAGGIE, who I know, despite the almost constant kicking and punching and jumping portrayed by animated animals (including a snake, YEAH, a kung fu SNAKE) with expensive voices. And so it was thoroughly enjoyed by the family, but especially by Eleanor, who loves to see fat pandas really make it as kung fu masters. Did I mention Family Movie Night is a strictly at-home event? Because we’re not MILLIONAIRES, or even THOUSANDAIRES, or even could you maybe send us a couple fivers in the mail because it would REALLY help us get through this month thank you. Also, Friday night is the night, and you don’t take your 2.75-year-old to the movies on Friday night.

So it was awesome! We made popcorn, we ate popcorn, we turned the lights down, we watched the movie and Eleanor got to stay up WAY past her normal bedtime, and so did I. You guys, I was bouncing all over the place. Jack Black voices the fat panda hero, and I have to tell you, I am really so proud of Jack Black. I know that’s weird, because I didn’t raise him from a pup or even know him or anything, but I remember enjoying the antics of Tenacious D back in college, watching the HBO shows, and falling in love (<3). Fun facts you didn’t want to know about Jack Black: he’s a JEW, just like me! And he dropped out of UCLA, just like me! (just kidding I’m not some kinda of drop-out loser like Jack Black, summa cum laude baby, and making the bank to prove it STOP LAUGHING). And now Jack Black is leading man materials (sorry Kyle), putting talented voice actors out of work. So proud. My baby’s all grows up. This is where Maggie cocks her head and furrows her brow at me, but that’s okay because Brian understands (insider reference, or at least it would be if anyone but Brian were reading this right now HI BABY!). ANYWAYS so we watched that movie, and then Eleanor attempted to perform a flying roundhouse kick on Maggie, and BEDTIME!

Then of course Eleanor wanted to watch “the panda one” all weekend, so we did that, and then sent it back on Monday, and she cried. But then, before long, it was Friday again, and we had a new movie, Monsters vs. Aliens. Despite its just-as-expensive voice cast, this one was no panda. Jack Black wasn’t even IN IT. But this time around we did it even righter. We got pizza from Tomato Joe’s (who accidentally made our mushroom and olive pizza with cheddar, and did you know they will put cheddar on your pizza if you want it? and even if you don’t? and then they made a new one properly SANS cheddar and gave us the cheddar one too and if you’re wondering, it tastes like pizza with CHEDDAR on it), had popcorn and cookies, and you guys, I don’t even think it matters what the movie is, because FAMILY MOVIE NIGHT! The most exciting development of our lives, no REALLY!

My advice: you should be like us and watch movies at night too.

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