Tag Archives: poop

Eleanor is an Insult Comic

Posted by: Josh

One of the mind-wobbling things about being a parent is getting to watch your kids’ strange personalities (and they are ALL strange) unfurl. Bill Cosby was so RIGHT, kids say some crazy shit. I’d love to have ALL of it on video, but these days, the best we can do to keep up with all of the ridiculous things that come out of Eleanor’s mouth is to record the gems on the Twitters, but honestly they’re the tip of the iceberg. A mammoth, icy block of nonsense floating around in her head that regularly gouges holes in the cruise liner of our days.

As it turns out, my baby girl is an insult comic. Yup, we got little Don Rickles laying it on us every day now. How did it come to this?

For a long time now Eleanor has been aware of the power of comedy. This should not be a surprise. The wife and I probably value humor over all other traits (which may explain why we’re always broke). So naturally, Eleanor gets the best reactions from Mommy & Daddy when she does something funny.

Unfortunately, this has recently backfired on us, as Eleanor has discovered the bluer side of comedy.

Eleanor: “You’re a poopy!” (slow grin)
Me: “What?!”
Eleanor: (maniacal laughter) “You’re a poopy poop!”

That’s right. I’ve spent literally YEARS cleaning her dirty diapers, and I’M the poopy poop. So okay, I really don’t mind being a poopy poop. In fact, I think it’s pretty hilarious that we gave birth to Triumph the insult comic dog, but not everybody finds this dialogue as charming as we do. Visions of her adolescence are starting to concern me:

Eleanor’s first boyfriend: “I.. I just wanted you to know.. I love you.”
E: “Pansy. Wanna get some ice cream?”

God, that sounds eerily familiar.

Enough with the Poop Stories Already

Posted by: Maggie

I know, I know, you probably don’t want to hear it anymore and I wish I didn’t have any of these stories to tell anymore. Here’s the usual warning about these posts:

WARNING!

The following post may offend the delicate sensibilities of some of our readers. Those of you who don’t want to read about a toddler’s bowel movements may want to look for entertainment elsewhere. I highly recommend the website with the cleverly captioned pictures of cats.

Love, Maggie


Yesterday I put Eleanor down for her nap at the normal time. I usually hear her talking to herself in her room for five or ten minutes until she falls asleep. About ten minutes after I put her down, the landscaping folks here at our apartment complex start to trim the hedges outside of our windows with a loud electric trimmer. I realize now that I should have just gone in and gotten Eleanor up until the landscapers were done, but I kept thinking that they would be done soon and I didn’t want Eleanor to think it was play time. So I waited and listened to the hedge trimmer and listened to Eleanor awake in her room. After about 45 minutes they were done. I know, I know, I should have just gotten her up. I heard her for a few minutes more and then I assume she fell asleep.

About an hour later I hear her crying. She usually takes a two hour nap, but lately she has been waking up about halfway through, crying for a minute or two and then falling back to sleep and sleeping another hour. So I assumed that was what was going on. So I let her cry for a few minutes and then I walked by her room. And I smelled it. It was such a horrible strong smell of poop, that I knew something was going on in there.

I walked into the room and Eleanor was standing up in her crib. I asked her, “Do you have poo poos?” She replied with a sad look on her face “Poo poo on the ground.” So I opened up the blinds and saw it. Like a horror movie come to life. Such a shocking sight that I almost called it quits right there, took off, told Eleanor she was on her own, called Josh and said I was out, he could do this whole baby thing on his own from now on.

The poop on the ground was no big deal, two very small pieces, it was the rest of the poop that was so horrifying. It was on her hands, a little on her feet, and all over the rails of her crib. I mean ALL OVER! I don’t think she did it maliciously. She wasn’t trying to make a giant stinky mess for me to clean up. I think that she just reached in to check her own diaper (something she’s been doing lately) and came out with a hand covered in poop and she wanted to clean it off. I’ve seen her do it at dinner time. She gets food all over her hands and then instead of asking for a napkin, she wipes it on the table or chair. So, I think that is what happened here, at least I hope so. I think she had a messy hand and was just trying to wipe it off ALL OVER THE PLACE! I want to scream and run out of the room just writing about it.

The worst part is that she has a little bit of a runny nose so as I’m standing there in horror, she wipes her nose with her poopy hand and now my beautiful little girl has a poop face! So I grab her up take her to the changing table where I wipe her face clean and take off her dirty diaper. We then head to the bathroom where we wash her hands multiple times and start a bath. I then have to throw her clothes and sheets into the washing machine along with my clothes, because of course I did not stay clean in the mess.

Now she and I are clean, but there still a mess in her room and it stinks! So I opened her window and got to work using baby wipes and cleaning spray. An hour later everything was clean and the room had started to air out.

We seriously need to get on top of this potty training thing, and probably move her to a toddler bed, so that this kind of thing doesn’t happen again, because I swear, I don’t know how much more of this I can take before I go insane. Arrggh I need a vacation! Or at least to be able to afford full-time daycare. This never would have happened at daycare!

Another Poop Story

Posted by: Maggie

Because I know you can’t get enough of them.

I’ll once again refer you to my poop story warning.

Yesterday afternoon while Eleanor was napping I got all fancied up for my swearing in ceremony (post to come). When I was done I went to wake Eleanor from her nap to get her ready to go as well. What I found when I walked in the room was the last thing I expected.

It was dark in the room because the blinds were closed, so it took a moment for my eyes to adjust and take in the horrifying scene. There she was already awake and standing at one side of her crib. With her were some stuffed animals she had pulled into the crib from the dresser and side table on either sides of her crib. I noticed them first, her Curious George and her crocodile. But as I walked closer I noticed that she had no pants on. Then I realized that she also had no diaper on.  And then I saw it. It was a nice big piece of poop in the middle of a giant wet spot in the center of her bed.

She had done the unthinkable. Removed her pants and diaper and then peed and pooped right in her bed. GOOD LORD, it was shocking sight! I couldn’t believe what I was looking at! I did my very best to stay calm and not yell out, “Not It!” and run from the room. At least she hadn’t touched the poop. And luckily Josh had just arrived home from work to get ready for the swearing in ceremony. I yelled for him to help me, so he handled the poop while I cleaned up the baby. She actually wasn’t much of a mess. She had a little poop on one of her feet and obviously some on her bottom, but the rest of her was pretty clean. Although the poop was a little difficult to get off of her because it had dried out a little. It must have been there awhile. We assume that she had removed the pants and diaper before falling asleep for her nap and then peed and pooped while sleeping.

Yikes! This really is my favorite part of parenthood! No really, I mean it! I love having poop stories to tell at dinners with our childless friends! Now that I think about it, maybe this is why I have so many childless friends.

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